Christian parents today face the difficult task of raising children in a world that has become almost void of God. But in the past, children grew up in a society that clearly defined what was right and what was wrong. Parents were recognized as the primary authority figure in their children's lives and for the most part were treated with respect and honor. This is no longer true today. Now as the world continues on it's downward, morality spiral, where prayer has been removed from the schools, and there is extreme religious persecution on almost every front, parenting has become a huge challenge.
Parents show increasing concern as their children are encouraged to shun strict rules and biblical truths. Whenever the application of God's laws is mentioned, liberal parents begin a campaign to stop anything in a school which might mention God. The Bible speaks of the "insolent, arrogant, and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents. . ." (Romans 1:30). Rebellion and disobedience are just as pervasive today as parental authority disintegrates. Today, parents must choose who and what shapes their children's lives. Without a doubt, God still holds parents responsible for their children - to instruct them and to discipline them.
Christian Parenting - To Instruct
In the Old Testament, Moses reminds the Israelites of their responsibility to their children and grandchildren. "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them" (Deuteronomy 4:9-10). We would all like to believe that our children will make the right choices based on lessons taught. But unfortunately that is not often the case.
When we instruct our children, we are not simply presenting a list of rules to follow. We are letting our "actions speak" by training them according to God's standards. By living a righteous life, parents provide their children with the understanding of how God's rules govern all our lives. Then, as our children mature, they develop a habit of doing right, serving God by making their own decisions.
Children need to learn that there will be consequences for the decisions that they make in life.
It is the goal of every parent to see their children accept responsibility for their decisions. If our children learn from their mistakes and accept godly correction, then we are on the right course. One father tried to take a short-cut in explaining responsibility by saying, "It's not what you do, but whether or not you get caught. And if you get caught. . .be willing to pay the consequences!" This was not teaching consequences but it was teaching " If you are going to do something wrong, make sure that you don't get caught."
Christian Parenting - To Discipline
Theories on "correct" discipline change every few years - the Bible never changes. If children do not obey, they must receive correction. The Bible teaches this should be done by using a rod of correction. "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother" (Proverbs 29:15). Often parents become weary disciplining young children. At times, a typical day seems to consist of nagging and scolding. Parents wonder if they have ruined every chance for a loving relationship with their children. They may even be tempted to give up altogether. "Only God knows what to do with this child," they groan. YES GOD DOES!!
God chooses each parent with great care. "For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just. . ." (Genesis 18:19).
What are the basics of biblical parenting?
The basics of biblical parenting involve more than simply raising a child. Parents are directly responsible to God for more than providing food, shelter, and protection. When we adopt God's standards as our own, we produce quality character that is different from a child's natural inclinations. Proverbs 22:6 is our guide to biblical parenting: "Train a child in the way he should go, and whenhe is old he will not turn from it." As parents turn to the Bible for instruction they are able to open up channels in their children's lives so that God's grace can flow in.
What are the basics of biblical parenting, and what hinders that flow? As parents we shape our children's attitudes, actions, and associations. When we are inconsistent in delivering godly instruction and wisdom to our children, we practice ineffective parenting. When we place unreasonable demands by abusing our authority, we practice ineffective parenting. When we make anything more important than our children, we take another step away from love, and a step away from effective biblical parenting.
What are the basics of biblical parenting in responding to conflicts?
First, establish an atmosphere of love and kindness, so that when you discipline your child, they will have an open heart to your discipline. We should parent our children the same way that God parents us. And He does this, by explaining the rules of living to us, and then he tells us the consequences if we do not follow those rules. And then , most importantly he consistently gives us those consequences for bad behavior until we get the lesson straight.
As we focus on God ourselves and follow the rule that he laid out for life, we demonstrate self-control and obedience to our children. "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say 'No' to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age. . ."(Titus 2:11-12). As we focus on God, our parental authority should encourage self-control and obedience in our children.
What are the basics of biblical parenting and authority? Parents must understand that parental authority is never manipulating children with a few choice phrases or standard punishments. It is impossible to force children to behave appropriately. We may see brief periods of responsibility and obedience, but when children reach adulthood, they often reject authority; their godly character is as yet undeveloped. It's been said that "character is who you are when no one else is around." Children generally know that their parents are wiser than they are. They also know there are times when they need guidance and authority. The proper application of parental authority will help children to appreciate and benefit from their parents' wisdom and experience. In the Bible, Eli spoke to his sons about their bad behavior. He even instructed them in how they should serve God. Yet God rejected Eli's house because Eli failed to restrain or exercise authority over his sons (1 Samuel 2:22-25; 3:12-13).
What are the basics of biblical parenting and setting priorities? When exercising authority, a parent makes the most loving choice they are capable of at that moment. A single disciplinary action may have non-dramatic outward results, yet still have spiritual effects that are cumulative and strong. When a child is given an opportunity to recognize authority, or change their past behavior, they are trained in biblical principles. Warnings were issued to the Israelites before judgment fell. They were given chances to repent and change their behavior. Effective parenting is applying methods of discipline that focus on biblical principles and on training beyond punishment. Appropriate discipline serves to assist children in making the correct choices - even in our absence. "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12:11).
If you find that you are having difficulites parenting your children, please do not hestitate to send me a journal detailing your situation and together we can help you resolve this issue.
Previously available as a booklet in conjunction with a workshop and as a video, clinical psychologist Phelan's simple, effective child-management program has now been issued as a trade paperback. The gist of the plan is to enable parents to discipline children, ages 2 to 12, by instituting a system of counting and time-outs, delivered straightforwardly and unemotionally. How the regimen is used to stop undesirable behavior, stimulate desirable conduct, and cope with children's testing is conveyed in Phelan's candid style, filled with common sense, concrete examples, and lots of reassuring humor. Time-and parent-tested, the methods are applied in identifiable situations (pouting, bedtime, dressing) as well in the all-too familiar incidences of children testing and manipulating their elders. Best of all, the method enables parents to control their kids without yelling . . . or worse. In addition, Phelan covers homework, active listening, self-esteem, behavior in public, and the use of his method in schools.
I listened to the tape of this book while I commuted. In less than a week I was ready.
Within 5 minutes our son understood the new 'rules of the game'. Within 2 days we had a more sane house. Yes, really.
The discipline of the old days was 'spank your kid', and many of us reject this. The problem is that there wasn't a replacement that worked. So some parents keep spanking, some parents just yell all day. Either way, it's not a happy feeling of control.
The basics of the 1-2-3 method are simple, kid-understandable, quick-to-implement, & quick to explain. (So you can even get care-takers, teachers, cub-scout leaders in on the game - to have some consistency.) But don't kid yourself - the real value is in understanding all of it.
I don't believe I'm actually writing this but - just try it and you'll be a believer too.
I loved the audio tape especially. In the first few minutes of the tape, the initial '1-2-3 Magic' is revealed. I wanted to start that day. Then examples, tactics for multiple kids and reinforcement follow. All of it is key to recognizing your kid's techniques for handling YOU, and creating the sane environment we all wish for.
OK, life still isn't perfect, but this information goes a very long way to getting you out of the nightmare you might be in.
I've bought copies for my sister, my friends, and my church. Every time I see a screaming parent and a crying kid, (or a nasty, defiant kid), I wish I had the nerve to give them a copy.
No, I don't work for the author, but I sure would like to thank him. ;-)
As a step parent of a very "Spirited" and "Strong-Willed" child, I can acknowledge first hand that the methods and philosophy of this book WILL promote harmony and cooperation. Maybe not initially but certainly in the long term. "Setting Limits" deals with discipline issues associated with the nine temperamental traits: 1.Persistance, 2.Intensity, 3.Regularity, 4. Distractability, 5.Energy and Activity Level, 6.Sensitivity, 7.Adaptability, 8.Reactivity, and 9.Mood.
The author is also the parent of two children, one compliant, easy going, and the other one strong-willed/demanding so he can relate with the parents who scream, "nothing works with this kid!".
This book is NOT about harsh punishement but rather teaches respectful limit setting, which is an essential teaching tool. It teaches parents to give children clear, respectful messages to convey the necessary information for the child to make acceptable choices. To focus on the behaviour in a way that does not belittle, criticize or shame the child. Although parents may genuinely feel that they are giving a clear "Stop" message to their child, they are sometimes unwittingly giving a yellow or even green light to unwanted behaviours. The strong-willed child interprets these vague massages as "Optional requests" or learns only that the behaviour upsets or angers the parent. This may lead to increased limit testing to see where the boundaries really are, especially if they enjoy making us jump and yell. It sometimes seems that Strong-willed children need to learn everything the hard way by agressivly testing all limits or restrictions (much more than compliant children) to see where the bottom line really is. They are aggressive researchers who leave parents little room for ineffective discipline. There is not much to prepare a parent for dealing with a strong-willed child, and unfortunately they tend to bring out the worst qualities in parents. A child that can argue and debate like a courtroom attorney, develop sudden hearing loss, or dawdle until you are late for work. Parents easily fall into ineffectual ruts of predictable reaction based on our own upbringing and parenting assumptions.
The good news is that the solution usually involves doing much less than what the parent is probably doing at present. You must accept and acknowledge that this is part of the childs personality/temperament, and that they will always need a little more structure and consistancy than compliant chidren. It does not mean they can't learn to cooperate and observe family rules. This book shows parents how and "WHEN" to negotiate rules, what behaviours should be ignored, which ones must be corrected and most importantly "How to do it!".
The most impressive part of all the books I've read by Robert J MacKenzie, is the weath of realistic examples. Every point is thoroughly illustrated for clarity, with discipline scenarios which all parents can readily idenetify with. There are sections on motivating your strong-willed child, encouraging independence, teaching skills, and role-modeling
The entire book is aimed at teaching your child self control. Some books on the challenging children seem more focused on avoiding conflict and undulging the child, which might be great for the short-term, but how can it possibly prepare the child for the real world.
If you would like advice or counseling from Patricia Jones there are three methods that you may choose from:
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A long question should contain background information and list any concerns or questions that you have about a particular issue or issues. It may be as long as
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2.) A Short Question: For a fee of $25.00. A short question should give some background information and ask one question about one particular issue that you may have. I will reply back to you via email within 24 to 48 hours.
