Grief

When someone that we love dies we feel an indescribable pain. Some have described it as a "pit" or a "hole" in the stomach. It is as if someone cut off our right arm. And I think it is so severe because we know that once someone dies, they are gone forever and there is nothing we can do about it. Not all the money, talent, or resources in the world can bring them back from death. It is the most "helpless" of feelings.

How the person died, and the age that they died also plays a part in how we grieve. If the death was tragic, or an accident, or because of a terminal illness, or if the person who has died is fairly young, or a child, or had many good years left, it is equally devastating.

We go through feelings of guilt wishing that we could have prevented their death. We ask ourselves the "what ifs" which never really solve anything other than to make us feel worse.

The only thing we can do is learn how to think about it in our hearts so that we are not destroyed while we grieve.

1.) What is grief?

Grief is a reaction to loss. While we often think of grief in terms of death, we can also grieve losses from divorce or a terminal illness. We may grieve the loss of a friendship, or a relationship with a family member, or a loved pet. We may even grieve the loss of a place that we lived, or a lifestyle that we used to have. We can grieve the loss of youth, or middle age. We often think of grief in terms of feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness or loneliness. But grief affects us in other ways as well -- spiritually, behaviorally, physically, and mentally.

2.) Are there stages to the grief process?

Well, there are certain emotions that we go through, but they come in waves, rolling in and out of our lives, usually when we least expect it. There are times when we think we are doing better, and then "whamo" out of no where we are remembering the loss, and the pit in our stomach returns.

There are five stages to the grief process but while they follow a certain order, many times they come in no particular order at all.

a.) Denial: When tragedy strikes, we have a hard time believing it. It can take years to come to grips with the death of a loved one.

b.) Anger: After we get past denial then we become very angry. We can get angry at the person for dying and leaving us, we can get angry at God for not keeping them alive, and we can get angry at what or whoever killed them, and we can get angry at ourselves for not preventing their death.

c.) Bargaining: When our anger gets us no where but more upset, we begin to bargain with God. We make promises and deals with God if only he would bring them back to life.

d.) Depression: And then when all of our deals and promises do not bring them back we get depressed. This is where many people give up and do careless things, like not go to work, or talk to others, or eat, or not eat, etc. and this is when we need to talk to a pastor/counselor.

e.) Acceptance: Finally we accept the loss. We realize that we cannot bring the loved one back, and we have to go on with our lives. When we reach the level of acceptance, we have found peace.

3.) Does grief have a timetable?

Since grief is such an individual reaction, it is hard to give a timetable. For most people, the most intense grief is for the first two years. After that, low periods tend to be less frequent and intense. But even years after a loss, especially at the anniversary or birthday of the person's death, or the end of a relationship, or special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a sense of grief. Sometimes, just seeing something that reminds us of the other person is a "trigger" that can start the entire process over again.

4.) Do we grieve in different ways?

Each of us grieves in our own way, affected by our inborn temperaments, our faith, or lack of faith, our relationship with the person who died, circumstances surrounding the loss, our present circumstances, our coping skills, and the support systems that we have in place. Every loss has a unique meaning to us. Some may experience grief primarily as waves of feeling; others may manifest grief in the ways they think or physically feel.

5.) How much grief is normal? When is grief not normal?

At any point, a pastoral counselor who does grief work might help in sorting out reactions and ways that we are adapting to grief. In cases where expressions of grief are destructive to self or to others, or we become suicidal, or in situations where the grief is highly disabling (that is, we find it difficult to care for ourselves, others or to function in our daily lives), it is imperative that we consult a Pastoral Counselor. When we experience certain types of losses such as traumatic loss or the loss of a child, we would benefit from intervention and support groups such as " Grieving Parents."

If you find yourself unable to cope with your grief on your own, please write your thoughts and feelings to me via the Long Question Option, the Short Question Option, or you may schedule a Telephone Counseling Session with me, and together we will help you get through this. Please see below for instructions on how to contact me.

Patricia Jones, M.A.

Pastoral Counselor

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's book, 'On Death and Dying', is one of the classic works in the field, still used to educate and inform medical, counseling, and pastoral professionals since its original publication in the 1960s. Kübler-Ross did extensive research in the field by actually talking to those in the process of dying, something that had hitherto been considered taboo and an unthinkable, uncaring thing to do. Kübler-Ross asked for volunteers, and never pressured people to do or say anything they didn't want to. One of her unexpected discoveries was that the medical professionals were more reluctant to participate than were the patients, who quite often felt gratitude and relief at being able to be heard.

Kübler-Ross also spoke to families, and followed people through their ailments, sometimes to recovery, but most often to their death. She let the people guide her in her research: 'We do not always state explicitly [to the patient] that the patient is actually terminally ill. We attempt to elicit the patients' needs first, try to become aware of their strengths and weaknesses, and look for overt or hidden communications to determine how much a patient wants to face reality at a given moment.'

This caring approach was often an aggravation for Kübler-Ross and her staff, because they would know what the patient had been told but was not yet ready to face. Kübler-Ross recounts stories of attempts to deal with death in different ways; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance -- in fact, the various stages of grief were first recognised in Kübler-Ross's research.

There are those who dislike the `stages' theory of grief, but it is important to know (as the quote above indicates) that these are not set-in-stone processes, but rather dialectical and perichoretic in nature, ebbing and flowing like the tide, so that where a person was `stage-wise' would vary from meeting to meeting.

Kübler-Ross explained her interest in this research by saying that `if a whole nation, a whole society suffers from such a fear and denial of death, it has to use defenses which can only be destructive.' Her work is primarily geared to health-care providers, and provides verbatim transcripts of conversations with a wide range of people in different classes, races, family situations, education levels, and ages. The reader can then get a sense of how to better communicate with someone in a terminal situation.

This is an excellent book on death, grief and loss. Sooner or later death will touch everyone's life. We may not all react the same but most will experience the stages of loss and grief from denial to acceptance. It can be a long often agonizing and lonely road to recovery. Sadly the impact of loss and death can leave many with a loss of their own will to live.

This book does an excellent job of addressing a topic that most people choose not to address until they are directly confronted.

Grief has a tendency to creep up in the odd hours of the day and the night and can be overwhelming to those experiencing loss. To have a title, a book that you can reach out and grab at any hour offers comfort.

Written from knowledge and from a place of understanding and guidance is sure to make this book a winner and a timeless treasure for anyone who has known a deep loss. It cannot take the pain and hurt away but it will help in the knowlege that those feelings are normal. Also that others have experienced the same and made it back to a seemingly normal existence. Death changes lives and changes people forever, many will grow and change for the better.

If you would like advice or counseling from Patricia Jones there are three methods that you may choose from:

1.) Long Question For a fee of $45.00.

A long question should contain background information and list any concerns or questions that you have about a particular issue or issues. It may be as long as

you wish. I will reply back to you via email with an extensive response ( several pages in length ) within 24 to 48 hours. See an example of a Long Question here.

2.) A Short Question: For a fee of $25.00. A short question should give some background information and ask one question about one particular issue that you may have. I will reply back to you via email within 24 to 48 hours.

See an example of a Short Question here.

3.) Telephone counseling sessions. Please read here for instructions on receiving Telephone Counseling Telephone Counseling Instructions.