Recognizing the Abusive Personality
Twelve Warning Signs that someone has an abusive personality.
1.) They need to be in control at all times.
The core issue for an abuser is the need to be in control. Control of others that is, not themselves. Sometimes they will deny that they have this need to control you, and they will even accuse you of being the one who does the controlling. But somehow, in every situation, things are done their way not yours. In fact, you pretty much lose every argument, every decision that should be made jointly, and they end up controlling just about everything. Your thoughts, how you should think and act, what clothes you should wear, where you should work, your access to money and how you spend it, your choice of friends, how you use your spare time, what is said and to whom it is said, and so on.
2.) They have a very critical nature, usually of you. You are the target.
Under the disguise of "loving concern for you" and "only wanting your best interests" they will be very critical of just about anything you are interested in or attempt to do. Many times this criticism will be in the area of your appearance, your weight, how you eat, what friends you have, how your family is, your talents, your wishes and desires. Before long, they will have convinced you that NONE of your ideas are good, only theirs are. You begin to doubt who you are and find that your identity is slipping away.
Many times they will make it sound like other people think the way about you that they do. For example: " That outfit makes you look heavy, so you need to change it before your friends start talking about your fat behind." This of course undermines your self-esteem and your ability to trust your own judgement. Or they will say something critical or demeaning and then end it with the statement " and EVERYONE KNOWS this about you." Implying that the entire world agrees with their assessment of you.
Often, early in a relationship, the criticism will be very slight, until the abuser feels a commitment to the relationship has been made on your part. This commitment can be anything from dating steadily, sleeping together, marriage or the conception of a child.
3.) A Need to keep you away from the rest of the world.
Many abusers try to cut you off from your family and your friends. And by doing this, they gain more control over you and how you think. Because they are well aware that your family and friends would not approve of how they are treating you. And they also know that those closest to you would begin to see a huge difference in your personality, which is becoming more and more unsure of yourself on a daily basis. You realize that you are slowly becoming a "non-person" like a frog that is slowing boiling to death in hot water because the temperature is being turned up little by little so that they hardly notice it.
The abuser may contrive to move the target to another city or state, to limit contact. Once out of sight, it is much easier to control the amount of contact the target has with friends and family. These "outsiders" are often blamed for any problems the couple have. Before you know it, you are cutting ties with your family and with your closest friends. You are afraid to have them and the abuser in the same room together for fear of what he might say to them and vice versa. He will use any number of excuses to keep you from seeing them. And if distance is involved he will use the lack of money for why you cannot visit your own family or even call them.
Unfortunately you may find out that he is very close to his family. He manages to come up with the necessary finances to see them and communicate with them anytime that he wants. You are beginning to think he is very selfish. And you would be right, he is.
5.) A Jealous and Possessive Nature
Usually abusers are extremely jealous and possessive of you, and may question you about how your time is spent and with whom, what was said, and may probe for details about any friend's background. They will also accuse you of flirting with every man you come in contact with, or of looking at a complete stranger and encouraging them to pay attention to you. Of course, you have done no such thing, but convincing the abuser of that is pointless. The abuser will explain their jealousy away with declarations of love. "If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't care who you saw, or what you did."
Abusers seem to have the impression that what belongs to you also belongs to them. They may even insist that you share your financial investments with them. At the same time, the abuser may be very reluctant to share any of their personal investments with you. In fact they may even refuse to tell you what they are, saying things like " you don't need to know." They may also get extremely angry when you question them about money calling you a "nag." In fact if you dare to question them about anything you are called "masculine" and accused of "acting like a man."
Everything in a relationship with an abuser is one-way- the abuser's way. What an abuser requires of you, he does not expect of himself. The rules that he applies to you do not apply to him. When you do something to break the rules it is a "cardinal sin." However, when he breaks the same rule he finds justification for it. Or so he thinks.
6.) A Deep Internal Rage
The abuser often has a very violent temper that will flare up over the most minor of things. You will be surprised at the intensity of their anger over something that you hardly even saw as a problem.. Many targets of abuse describe arguments with their abuser as being about "stupid" things. This usually happens when you dare to disagree with or challenge something they have said. Or when you dare to voice your own opinion about something. You find out that your opinions and suggestions don't count, only theirs do.
7.) They can be incredibly charismatic and charming.
Usually, abusers have charming and likable personalities. Which is one of the reasons you are attracted to them in the first place. But this charm is shallow and often a target will be warned by those who know the abuser, but may disregard these warnings as jealous back-biting. Once again, they do not show their true colors UNTIL they think you are committed. At first they are like chameleons and take on whatever personality they need to in order to lure you in. But as time goes on, that niceness and charm become less and less, and the HUGE CONTROL issues begin to surface.
8.) A Cruel Tongue
Many times, an early indication of abuse is the use of verbal language designed to make you feel small, ugly, worthless or stupid. Cutting remarks are used whenever the abuser feels down and out. By making the target feel lousy, too, the abuser feels better. Even so-called pet names are often thinly disguised abuse. Another name for this is verbal abuse.
9.) A tendency to blame others.
Abusers have a talent for twisting things around so it appears someone else is to blame for whatever goes wrong. If they get mad - it's someone else's fault. If they hit someone, it's their fault. If the car breaks down, it's someone else's fault. Usually, the person an abuser blames is YOU, the victim -- the spouse or lover. Abusers are so good at this that the victim often comes to believe it is true. Then the victim feels guilty. This is called "crazy making."
10. Cycles of Fighting and Making-up
Making up with an abuser can seem wonderful. Often the abuser will make grand gestures, offer apologies, and give wonderful gifts - emotional strokes and real objects. Compliments, declarations of eternal love, expensive gifts (sometimes purchased with your money) help you to forget your damaged feelings. Unfortunately, these measures are simply a ploy to regain your affections and keep you from leaving or telling someone what they have done, or calling the police. This is called " The Honeymoon Period."
11. Behavior Which Creates A Sense of Confusion in the Target
Surprisingly, abusers do not seem to realize that the things they do to hold you close, actually push you away. Over time, you find yourself becoming more and more depressed, tired, and you begin to carry a feeling of deep sadness within. You become extremely unhappy and feel as if you are in a prison, with no life. You begin to think that if only you were a better person they would not be treating you this way. Along with the sadness, you are feeling very confused about the relationship, wondering how you can fix it and make things better. But what has really happened is you have lost your own identity.
12. Physical Contact
It should be understood that any physical action such as "playful" slapping, pinching, pushing, shoving, tripping, etc. can be a HUGE warning sign. There is nothing funny about causing discomfort, fear or injury, even in the "name" of fun. Watch out for any person who uses such tactics.
What is the best way to avoid getting involved with an abuser?
Unfortunately there is no sure way, but one good idea is to give the new relationship lots of time to develop naturally, getting to know each other and each other's friends and family. Abusers often want to rush the relationship, demanding a show of affection and commitment very early.
Find out as much as you can about the background of the prospective mate - whether or not marriage is involved. Such as: what was the childhood like? How do the parents get along? What about previous relationships? How did the relationships end? How are personal problems handled? Is there a tendency to blame others?
Introduce the new person to friends and family and listen to their feedback. Read about verbal and physical abuse. The more you know, the better your chances of avoiding an abusive relationship.
How to Recognize the Abusive Personality
Patricia Jones, M.A.
If you feel that you are involved in an abusive relationship and need help and advice please do not hesitate to contact me by doing the following:
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