For example, when you continue on down the road in a car, your headlights light up several feet in front of you, and then when you get to the dark part, they light up some more feet of the road for you. That is what God does. HE shows you just enough of the way to go, and HE lights up just enough of the path, so you will not fall and stumble.
And as you follow the light of the road, you learn to trust that you will be able to see your whole way home. The same goes for God, who lights your path every day of your life.
Life many times can feel like a long, long road where one finds themselves lost, and one is never sure what is just around the bend. But there are two ways of looking at this fact. We can see it as an adventure full of surprises, or we can see it as a long journey full of pain.
While we cannot control events, or people, we can control how we think about those events and people, and that makes all the difference. And we can take an old hurt from our past, and give it a new meaning.
If you are a victim of domestic violence you are one of thousands of women who are living under this tyranny on a daily basis. But you do not have to remain in that situation forever.
No matter what, even if you have no money, and children to feed, there is a way out, if you know how to plan it. But you must plan to get out of the situation in a safe way without getting hurt further..
I am sure you have heard of battered women's shelters. They DO actually exist. They are as close to you as your phone book. Call one of them and they will help you to leave. If your husband keeps you isolated from the rest of the world, use your computer to get help. If you are reading this you have a computer. You can e-mail the police, a friend, or a battered women's shelter. There are also crisis hot lines that you can call. You can also just dial 911.
God never expects a woman to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship:
No matter what your church teaches, God NEVER expects a woman to stay in a marriage where she is being beaten, and mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused. If you are being told by your pastor or church to go home and be more "submissive" to your husband that is WRONG biblical advice.
The word "submissive" in the original Greek does not mean to "go stick your head in the toilet" if your husband tells you to. The word "submissive" means "to haveequal respectfor each other."Men who are abusive to their wives do not have "equal respect" for them. They actually see their wives as weak. And the more you allow them to abuse you, the more weak they actually see you, and the more disgusted they become with you. So, even though they want to "lord it over you" they have to have you weak so they can be strong. The real truth is that they actually could never control a strong woman.
Even though the Bible teaches that the man is the "head of the household" it also teaches that a man has to earn that right. Many men take that verse and use it to act like "Hitler." And they control their wives and their children in an abusive, domineering, cruel and threatening way, which is anything but how God meant them to be. If a man wants his wife to be submissive to him, he has to be godly in the first place so that she will have no trouble being submissive. Being "godly" means being loving, fair, compassionate, tender, humble, and actually willing to lay down one's life for their wife.
Christ also taught that men are to "love their wives as Christ loved the Church"and obviously beating up your wife is NOT the way that Christ loved the Church. Men who batter their wives are "unbelievers" no matter what they say they are, because their actions towards their wives are anything but loving. Their words and their actions do not match up. They contradict each other. They do not believe in God because if they did, their actions would be loving, not abusive.
So if you are in a battering situation, you are married to an "unbeliever" and the Bible tells us that we are free to divorce an "unbeliever." Do not believe any church or pastor that tells you it is OK to live with a batterer. If you do, you could get killed.
God will help you to become free from an abusive husband. If you call a battered women's shelter they will give you food, shelter and money for yourself and your children. They will keep your whereabouts secret from your husband. They will give you counseling so that you can regain the self-esteem you have lost from being in an abusive situation. They will help you to become strong again, and to find a new home, a new life, a new job. And most importantly, you will meet other women who have lived through what you are going through and survived.
I know of a woman who stayed in an abusive situation for 21 years "because of her children" and she thought she had no place to go, no money, and that being abused was better than being out on the street. She prayed and prayed to God to change her husband for years and years, and yet the husband only got worse and more dangerous. About ten years into the marriage, one day when she was praying, God spoke to her heart and told her in no uncertain terms to "quit praying for her husband" and to "take her two children and get away from him." God explained to her that she could not change her husband, and even God Himself could not change her husband, UNLESS the husband wanted to be changed, admitted his actions were wrong, and asked for forgiveness and agreed to get counseling.
The Battle is God's, not yours.
God further explained to her that her battle was not with her husband as she had thought. The battle that she thought was hers, was really God's and it was a battle between God and her husband. She needed to "get out of God's way" and let God "fight the fight" with her husband. Because God told her that her husband's problem was between God and her husband. It was not her battle, it was God's. Her responsibility was to take care of her children and of herself.
As a battered woman you need to understand that you cannot change your husband into this wonderful man who knows how to love his wife in a godly manner. You cannot fix him either. All you can do, is to get away from him and save your life and your sanity.
Men who abuse women NEED long term counseling, and then they have to want and admit that they were wrong and that they need help. If they have no desire to do this, you are wasting your time trying to be whatever they want you to be. You could turn yourself into a pretzel and your husband would STILL find something wrong with you. You could "do or not do," "say or not say," "be or not be" everything that he says you should do, say, or be, and he would STILL find something wrong with you.
And the reason is simple. HE is the one with the PROBLEM not YOU! His problems with women, and anger, and control happened LONG before you ever met him. They happened in his childhood, and are due to his relationship with his parents. Either his father abused him or his mother, or his mother abused him, or he saw his father abuse his mother, or some other significant person in his childhood abused him, and YOU are now the "target" for his anger that is now showing up years later.He has this hate/love relationship with women. With ANY woman, not just you. No matter what he tells you, he would treat ANY woman he was married to, or in a relationship with the same way that he treats you.
Everything is NOT your fault ! Regardless of what he tells you.
I am sure he has told you that EVERYTHING is your fault. That if you would just do, this, or do that, then he would be fine. I bet he has even said that you CAUSE him to treat you bad, or to hit you, or to verbally and mentally abuse you. This is NOT TRUE and you know it, deep down inside. But you see, he needs to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING wrong with you, so that he does not have to look at himself. He passes the blame for the violence on to you. He is never at fault for anything, YOU are, according to him. This is a bunch of HOGWASH. It is called "crazy making" and it can drive you insane.
In spite of what he tries to make you believe, he would have this problem with any woman that he was married to. Because he has a warped view of women to start with . And this usually comes from his warped view of his mother that she caused by her over-protectiveness, or her cold unaffectionate way of relating to him. And it also comes from him watching his father treat his mother with abuse and disrespect. In other words, your husband did not have good role models in childhood of what love is, what marriage is, and what mutual love and respect are. BUT you cannot fix this.
Abuse can destroy you if you allow it to:
Abuse can happen in all kinds of ways, and it is a very insidious, slow way of making YOU go crazy. His abuse can eventually kill you either by wearing down your health or by his actually "killing you." The bottom line is you are not the one with the problem, although he will try to make you think you are. He may even threaten to kill you or your children or your family. This is when you need to call the police.
The best thing you can do for your children is LEAVE not stay.
One last thing. Many women think that leaving their husband would be harmful to their children. Maybe your husband makes alot of money, and holds a prestigious position in the community. But it is a proven fact that children who grow up seeing their mother being abused do one of two things later in life. They either become the "victim" of an abuser or they go the other extreme and become abusive themselves to their spouses and their own children. It is NEVER good or right or the correct moral thing to do to keep your children in an abusive situation and think you are doing them a favor.
Because all that is really happening is they are learning that love ='s VIOLENCE.Love means using force to get your way. Love means intimidation, and using hateful words and actions to control others. Love means HATE in the abusive household, and it means FEAR. And it can ever mean DEATH. This is what they are seeing in your home.
Abusers come from all walks of life and from all professions:
* If you are married to a policeman who is abusing you and you think you have nowhere to turn, then contact a Woman's Abuse Shelter. They are well aware of the fact that even some policemen can be batterers of their wives. And they know how to get in touch with the GOOD side of the law to protect you from their threats. Abuse has no particular group or economic level that it happens in. It can happen in any profession, any house, and any economic situation. And many wives live the "secret" that eventually will destroy them.
* Even ministers have been known to be batterers. Which if you are married to a minister who is "one thing in the pulpit and another thing in your home," then go to your church's headquarters and report him to his superiors. If they don't help you, or won't believe you then go to the police. DO NOT SPEND twenty years of your life trying to protect him from being found out by the congregation. Just remove yourself and your children from him.
In conclusion, you simply need to walk away from your abusive situation instead of thinking that it will change or that you can fix it, because it WILL NOT CHANGE, and you CANNOT FIX IT. Only your abusive spouse can change themselves, and then only if they want to and realize that they have a problem and ARE the problem. Let the professionals do the counseling, and in the meantime, you, walk away.
Either way, do not waste one more day, one more hour of your life, with someone who does not love you as you should be loved.
If you would like to receive counseling from Patricia Jones, M.A. for any issue, please do not hesitate to contact me by doing the following:
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