"Do not enter the path of the wicked and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it; Turn away from it and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they do evil; And they are robbed of sleep unless they make someone stumble. For they eat the bread of wickedness, and drink the wine of violence." Proverbs 5:14-17
Have a safety plan in place
"Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight."
Domestic violence should not happen to anybody ever. Period.
If you are a victim of domestic violence you are one of thousands of women who are living under this tyranny on a daily basis. But you do not have to remain in that situation forever. There is a way out. There is a "light at the end of the tunnel."
No matter what, even if you have no money, and children to feed, there is a way out if you know how to plan it. But you must plan to get out of the situation in a safe way without getting hurt further.
I am sure you have heard of battered women's shelters. They DO actually exist. They are as close to you as your phone book. Call one of them and they will help you to leave. If your husband keeps you isolated from the rest of the world, use your computer to get help. If you are reading this you have a computer. You can e-mail the police, a friend, or a battered women's shelter. There are also crisis hot lines that you can call. You can also just dial 911.
Never go back to or stay with a man who is physically abusing you.
Because He will physically abuse you again, no matter what he says.
No matter what your church teaches, God NEVER expects a woman to stay in a marriage where she is being beaten, and mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused. If you are being told to go home and be more "submissive" to your husband then that is WRONG biblical advice.
The word "submissive" in the original Greek does not mean to "go jump off a cliff " if your husband tells you to. In the original Greek, the word "submissive" means "to have equal respect for each other."
Men who are abusive to their wives do not have "equal respect" for them. They actually see their wives as weak. And the more you allow them to abuse you, the more weak they actually see you, and the more disgusted they become with you. So, even though they want to "lord it over you" they need to have you weak, so that they can be strong. They actually could never control a strong woman.
Men have to earn the right to be the " Head of the Household "
Even though the Bible teaches that the man is the "head of the household" it also means that a man has to earn that right. Many men take that verse and use it to act like "Hitler." And they control their wives and their children in an abusive, domineering, cruel and threatening way, which is anything but how God meant them to be. If a man wants his wife to be submissive to him, he has to be godly in the first place so that she will have no trouble being submissive. Being "godly" means being loving, fair, compassionate, tender, humble, and actually willing to lay down one's life for their wife.
Christ also taught that men are to "love their wives as Christ loved the Church" and obviously beating up your wife is NOT the way that Christ loved the Church. Men who batter their wives are "unbelievers" no matter what they say they are, because their actions towards their wives are anything but loving. Their words and their actions do not match up. They contradict each other. They do not believe in God because if they did, their actions would be loving, not abusive.
So if you are in a battering situation, you are married to an "unbeliever" and the Bible tells us that we are free to divorce an "unbeliever." Do not believe any church or pastor that tells you it is OK to live with a batterer. If you do, you could get killed.
God will help you
God will help you to become free from an abusive husband. If you call a battered women's shelter they will give you food, shelter and money for yourself and your children. They will keep your whereabouts secret from your husband. They will give you counseling so that you can regain the self-esteem you have lost from being in an abusive situation. They will help you to become strong again, and to find a new home, a new life, a new job. And most importantly, you will meet other women who have lived through what you are going through and survived.
Staying in an abusive marriage for the sake of the children is wrong for the children.
I know of a woman who stayed in an abusive situation for 21 years "because of her children" and she thought she had no place to go, no money, and that being abused was better than being out on the street. She prayed and prayed to God to change her husband for years and years, and yet the husband only got worse and more dangerous. About ten years into the marriage, one day when she was praying, God spoke to her heart and told her in no uncertain terms to "quit praying for her husband" and to "take her two children and get away from him."God explained to her that she could not change her husband, and even God Himself could not change her husband, UNLESS the husband wanted to be changed, admitted his actions were wrong, asked for forgiveness and agreed to get counseling.
The battle you are having with an abusive man is not really your battle, it is God's. The battle is between God and the abusive man.
God further explained to her that her battle was not with her husband as she had thought. The battle that she thought was her's, was really God's, and it was a battle between God and her husband. She neededto "get out of God's way" and let God "fight the fight" with her husband. Because God told her that her husband's problem was between God and her husband. It was not her battle, it was God's. Her responsibility was to her children and to herself.
Love does not equal violence
This man that you are with or married to will batter ANY WOMAN, not just you. He would batter the woman down the street if he was married to her and not you. This is because the problem is NOT YOU, it is HIS PAST and how he learned to treat women in general. He has a love/hate view of woman in general.
You cannot change or fix the person who is battering you.
As a battered woman you need to understand that you cannot change your husband into this wonderful man who knows how to love his wife in a godly manner. You cannot fix him either. All you can do, is to get away from him and save your life and your sanity.
All batterers need long term counseling
Men who abuse women NEED long term counseling, and then they have to want to and admit that they were wrong, and that they need help. If they have no desire to do this, then you are wasting your time trying to be whatever they want you to be. You could turn yourself into a "pretzel" and your husband would STILL find something wrong with you. You could "do or not do," "say or not say," "be or not be" everything that he says you should do, say, or be, and he would STILL find something wrong with you.
He is the one with the PROBLEM, not you, no matter how hard he tries to make you think it is your fault.
And the reason is simple. HE is the one with the PROBLEM, not YOU!!!!!!! And his problems with women, and anger, and control happened LONG before you ever met him. They happened in his childhood, and are due to his relationship with his parents. Either his father abused him or his mother, or his mother abused him, or he saw his father abuse his mother, or some other significant person in his childhood abused him, and YOU are now the "Target" for his anger that is now showing up years later. He has this hate/love relationship with women. With ANY woman, not just you. No matter what he tells you, he would treat ANY woman he was married to, or in a relationship with the same way that he treats you.
His actions of abuse are NOT YOUR FAULT!
I am sure he has told you that EVERYTHING is your fault. That if you would "just do, this, or do that, then he would be fine." I bet he has even said that you CAUSE him to treat you bad, or to hit you, or to verbally and mentally abuse you. This is NOT TRUE and you know it, deep down inside. But you see, he needs to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING wrong with you, so that he does not have to look at himself. He passes the blame for his violence on to you. He is never at fault for anything, YOU are, according to him. This is a bunch of HOGWASH. It is called "crazy making" and it can drive you insane.
Ministers who batter their wives
* Even ministers have been known to be batterers. Which if you are married to a minister who is "one thing in the pulpit and another thing in your home," then go to your church's headquarters and report him to his superiors. If they don't help you, or won't believe you then go to the police. DO NOT SPEND twenty years of your life trying to protect him from being found out by the congregation. Just remove yourself and your children from him.
In conclusion, you simply need to walk away from your abusive situation instead of thinking that it will change or that you can fix it, because it WILL NOT CHANGE, and you CANNOT FIX IT. Only your abusive spouse can change themselves, and then only if they want to and realize that they have a problem and ARE the problem, and they go and get help for their problem. Let the professionals do the counseling, and in the meantime you, take the children and run, don't walk away as soon as possible.
In spite of what he tries to make you believe, he would have this problem with any woman that he wasmarried to. Because he has a warped view of women to start with . And this usually comes from his warped view of his mother, that she caused by her over-protectiveness, or her cold, unaffectionate way of relating to him. And it also comes from him watching his father treat his mother with abuse and disrespect. In other words, your husband did not have good role models in childhood for what love is, what marriage is, and what mutual love and respect are. BUT you cannot fix this.
Which is why he HAS TO FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, because if he does not, he has to become intimate with you, and that is something he is scared of. So he pushes you away, and he makes it your fault when it is NOT your fault. He may be sexually active with you, but treat you afterwards like scum.
The Honeymoon Period
He may hit you, and cry about it later, and beg your forgiveness, bring you flowers and treat you like a queen for a few days. But it does not last right? And this is because the "root cause" of his need to abuse you has nothing to do with you at all!!! It is because he is mad at someone in his past and he has transferred that anger to you, the closest target.
And so, after all his apology's and promises to "never abuse you again" the tension starts to build inside him again, and then he looks for things to get mad at you about, or actually "creates" things out of nothing to get mad at you about, so that he can get angry at you and release the tension by hitting you. And then after he hits you, the tension goes away, and he feels remorse. And the flowers, and promises start all over again. It is called "The Honeymoon Period" and just like a honeymoon, it is short-lived. This is called the "Cycle of Abuse." And it will continue the rest of your life if you allow it to. It will continue UNTIL he gets professional help.
* If you are married to a policeman who is abusing you and you think you have nowhere to turn, then contact a Woman's Abuse Shelter. They are well aware of the fact that even some policemen can be batterers of their wives. And they know how to get in touch with the GOOD side of the law to protect you from their threats. Abuse has no particular group or economic level in which it happens. It can happen in any profession, any house, and any economic situation. And many wives live the "secret" that eventually will destroy them.
Either way, do not waste one more day, one more hour of your life, with someone who does not love you as you should be loved.
Staying in an abusive situation can drive you crazy and harm your health or may end your life.
Abuse can happen in all kinds of ways, and it is a very insidious, slow way of making YOU go crazy. His abuse can eventually kill you either by wearing down your health or by his actually "killing you." The bottom line is you are not the one with the problem, although he will try to make you think that you are. He may even threaten to kill you or your children or your family. This is when you need to call the police.
One last thing. Many women think that leaving their husband would be harmful to their children. Maybe your husband makes a lot of money, and holds a prestigious position in the community. But it is a proven fact that children who grow up seeing their mother being abused by their father do one of two things later in life. They either become the "victim" of an abuser or they go to the other extreme and become abusive themselves, to their spouses and their own children. It is NEVER good or right or the correct moral thing to do to keep your children in an abusive situation and think you are doing them a favor.
Because all that is really happening is they are learning that love ='s VIOLENCE. Love means using force to get your way. Love means intimidation, and using hateful words and actions to control others. Love means HATE in the abusive household, and it means FEAR. And it can ever mean DEATH. When the real truth is, LOVE means the exact opposite.