* If you see your marriage in any of these examples, or you may see your marriage in several of these examples, and you would like help in restoring your marriage to a healthy marriage, please do not hesitate to contact me by doing the following:
1.) This is an extremely unequal relationship in which one spouse's incompetence is required and encouraged by the other. One spouse will act as if they are the "parent" , usually the husband, and the other one is the "child." Conversations between the two of them include the "child" asking the " parent" for permission to do things.
The spouse who plays the role of the "parent" many times controls their spouse by verbal and emotional abuse and putdowns. These can involve "talkin down to, instead of talking TO someone" or giving the "child" in the marriage the "silent treatment."
2.) Any kind of the following is likely to disrupt the marriage:
a. Arrival of children.
b. Financial pressures.
c. A well-intentioned helper upon whom
the "doll" becomes dependent.
The " Love Sick" wife, and the " Cold Sick" husband
1.) In this relationship, the wife tends to be
hysterical, and the husband obsessional.
2. This is the most commonly seen of marital disturbance
3.) The wife experiences severe anxiety, depression,
or an incapacitating physical illness. She blames
her husband for being "cold", giving her the "silent treatment" while at the same time, claiming to have
deep capacity for love.
4.) The husband is an intelligent, educated person who
holds a position of authority. They tend to be rigid
and have difficulty being intimate.
5.) The marriage pattern reveals stagnation in the wife, and growth in the husband.
6.) She is a "talker" and he is a "worker."
"The Doll's House Marriage"
The " In Search of a Mother " Marriage
1.) In this relationship, the husband tends to be hysterical and the wife is obsessional.
2.) The husband is planning to have an affair and plans to marry the woman. External circumstances have blocked his plans.
3.) He wants a therapist to tell him how he can save his lover without making his wife vindictive. Most of these types of men are passive-dependent, and their wives are dominant.
4.) Their wives are excellent mothers. They seldom divorce.
5.) The husband marries young, often before he has
finished his education and is able to earn a living.
The husband is usually very attached to his mother.
The " Double-Parasite" Marriage
1. Both the husband and the wife are hysterical.
2. Both expect the other to make the marriage work.
3.) This is like some people who cannot swim.They desperately cling to each other and they drown together.
4.) The trouble may start early in the marriage.
5.) They look like the "ideal" couple.
The " Paranoid Marriage "
1.) This type of couple has an urgent need for separation and individuation. This type of marriage is rare.
2.) Their paranoid involvement will range from " folie a deux" to " conjugal paranoia."
3.) Two people are involved in the same " folly ."
4.) The couple suffering from " folie a deux " get along reasonably well with each other by sharing the same delusional system, but come into conflict with reality.
(a) One mate is usually very dominant in the relationship.
(b) The weaker mate has to choose between marriage and insanity.
5.) In the " paranoid " marriage, the affected partner creates conflict for the family.
(a) When the husband is sick, he often gets in trouble with management.
(b) When the wife is the sick partner, she gets in trouble with neighbors and people at church.
6.) Couples involved in a " paranoid " marriage are often incapable of " peer " relationships. They come into conflict with whoever is in authority over them.
7.) " Conjugal Paranoia " describes a condition in which one partner is threatened by conjugal relations and feels very inadequate.
a) The sick partner degrades and humiliates their partner.
(b) At first the paranoid partner is just considered to be
mean and angry.
(c) The unaffected partner often responds by being depressed.
The " Half-Marriage "
1.) Although the dynamics are reversible, usually the wife is aggressive and the husband is passive.
2.) These mates are externally different, but internally similar.
3.) Both mates are ambivalent about their dependency.
(a.) The wife tries to mask her dependence by:
(b) A pseudo independence, involving herself in community affairs to give the impression she doesn't need her husband.
(c) An anger which , she explains, results from being married to a weak husband.
(d) The husband covers his dependence by appearing reserved and somewhat withdrawn.
The "Attaching-Detaching" Marriage.
1.) On the surface the couple seem to function well in all
aspects of their marriage relationship.
2.) The wife wants intimacy which the husband sees
3) The husband fears that if he ever starts to please his wife it will consume so much of him he won't have anything left or himself.
(a) The husband is like the great sphinx, with the wife, the exotic dancer.
(b) The wife turns up the thermostat to 80 degrees, because she is too cold. When she is not looking he sneaks to the thermostat and turns it down to fifty degrees.
The " Sadomasochistic " Marriage
1.) The husband is a "controller " and can give the "silent treatment" and be openly angry or even hostile. The wife behaves very passively.
2.) The husband can become increasingly sadistic in his
belittling attacks upon his wife.
3.) The husband often attempts to supervise the wife's housework. She responds by being a very disheveled and disorganized person.
4.) The husband is often rough in sexual relationships and the wife becomes non-responsive.
5.) The wife, due to her husband's anger and controlling ways has very low self-esteem, and begins to loose respect and feelings for the husband.
The "Child Marriage"
1.) Both mates are essentially children.
2.) They are both prone to temper tantrums
or violence if they don't get their own way.
3.) They have little to give to the marriage, but expect to receive whatever they want from it.
4.) They both are lonely and desire
affection from the other.
5.) Each experiences sickness in the other as an inconvenience, but both want to be taken care of when they are sick.
6.) They are still tied to their parents and
rarely separated from them.
7.) They remain very active with friends,
but spend little time together.
8.) When they disagree, they fight destructively.
Not all couples are the same:
A. In some ways, every couple you see is like all other couples.
B. In other ways, every couple you see are like someother couples.
C. In still other ways, every couple you see are like no other couple.
The " Neurotic Marriage "
1.) One mate is the caretaker; the other
is the patient.
2.) Through the years, both mates become
angry over the pain and disappointment
of their relationship.
3.) The pattern is chronic.
The " Therapeutic Marriage."
1.) Both mates behave as though they were
the doctor and their mate the patient.
2.) When they were going together, each of them
was usually experiencing some difficulty in life.
3.) At that time, each became the other's doctor,
and they have continued.
The " Pseudomarriage."
1.) This couple is in a relationship which
is really not a marriage.
2.) There is no bonding, and a total lack
3.) Often the marriage resulted from a pregnancy or, both partners are heavily invested in careers.