Not all couples are the same:
A. In some ways, every couple you see is like all other couples.
B. In other ways, every couple you see are like some other couples.
C. In still other ways, every couple you see are like no other couple.
There are twelve patterns of marital disturbance. ( see if you can
find your marriage among one of these types below.)
A. The "Doll's House" Marriage
1.) This is an extremely unequal relationship
in which one spouse's incompetence is
required and encouraged by the other.
2.) Any kind of the following is likely to disrupt
the marriage:
a. Arrival of children.
b. Financial pressures.
c. A well-intentioned helper upon whom
the "doll" becomes dependent.
B. The " Love Sick" wife, and the " Cold Sick" husband.
1.) In this relationship, the wife tends to be
hysterical, and the husband obsessional.
2.) This is the most commonly seen type of
marital disturbance.
3.) The wife experiences severe anxiety, depression,
or an incapacitating physical illness. She blames
her husband for being "cold" while claiming to have
a deep capacity for love.
4.) The husband is an intelligent, educated person who
holds a position of authority. They tend to be rigid
and have difficulty being intimate.
5.) The marriage pattern reveals stagnation in the wife,
and growth in the husband.
6.) She is a "talker" and he is a "worker."
C. The " In Search of a Mother " Marriage.
1.) In this relationship, the husband tends to be hysterical
and the wife is obsessional.
2.) The husband is planning to have an affair and plans to
marry the woman. External circumstances have blocked
his plans.
3.) He wants a therapist to tell him how he can save his lover
without making his wife vindictive. Most of these types of
men are passive-dependent, and their wives are dominant.
4.) Their wives are excellent mothers. They seldom divorce.
5.) The husband marries young, often before he has
finished his education and is able to earn a living.
D. The " Double-Parasite" Marriage
1.) Both the husband and the wife are hysterical.
2.) Both expect the other to make the marriage work.
3.) This is like some people who cannot swim. So they desperately
cling to each other and they drown together.
4.) The trouble may start early in the marriage.
5.) They look like the "ideal" couple.
E. The " Paranoid Marriage "
1.) This type of couple has an urgent need for separation and
individuation. This type of marriage is rare.
2.) Their paranoid involvement will range from " folie a deux" to
" conjugal paranoia."
3.) Two people are involved in the same " folly ."
4.) The couple suffering from " folie a deux " get along reasonably well
with each other by sharing the same delusional system, but come into
conflict with reality.
(a) One mate is usually very dominant in the relationship.
(b) The weaker mate has to choose between marriage and insanity.
5.) In the " paranoid " marriage, the affected partner creates conflict
for the family.
(a) When the husband is sick, he often gets in trouble with
management.
(b) When the wife is the sick partner, she gets in trouble with
neighbors and people at church.
6.) Couples involved in a " paranoid " marriage are often incapable
of " peer " relationships. They come into conflict with whoever is
in authority over them.
7.) " Conjugal Paranoia " describes a condition in which one partner
is threatened by conjugal relations and feels very inadequate.
( a ) The sick partner degrades and humiliates their partner.
( b ) At first the paranoid partner is just considered to be
mean and angry.
( c ) The unaffected partner often responds by being depressed.
F. The " Half-Marriage "
1.) Although the dynamics are reversible, usually the wife is aggressive and
the husband is passive.
2.) These mates are externally different, but internally similar.
3.) Both mates are ambivalent about their dependency.
a. The wife tries to mask her dependence by:
( 1 ) A pseudo independence, involving herself in community affairs to
give the impression she doesn't need her husband.
( 2 ) An anger which , she explains, results from being married to a
weak husband.
b. The husband covers his dependence by appearing reserved and
somewhat withdrawn.
G. The " Attaching-Detaching " Marriage.
1.) On the surface the couple seem to function well in all
aspects of their marriage relationship.
2.) The wife wants intimacy which the husband sees
as over-demanding.
3.) The husband fears that if he ever starts to please his wife
it will consume so much of him he won't have anything left
for himself.
a. The husband is like the great sphinx, with the wife,
the exotic dancer.
b. The wife turns up the thermostat to 80 degrees, because
she is too cold. When she is not looking he sneaks to the
thermostat and turns it down to 50 degrees.
H. The " Sadomasochistic " Marriage.
1.) The husband is openly angry or even hostile. The wife
behaves very passively.
2.) The husband can become increasingly sadistic in his
belittling attacks upon his wife.
3.) The husband often attempts to supervise the wife's housework.
She responds by being a very disheveled and disorganized person.
4.) The husband is often rough in sexual relationships and the wife
becomes non-responsive.
5.) The wife, due to her husband's anger and controlling ways
has very low self-esteem.
I. The " Child Marriage "
1. ) Both mates are essentially children.
2.) They are both prone to temper tantrums
or violence if they don't get their own way.
3.) They have little to give to the marriage, but expect
to receive whatever they want from it.
4.) They both are lonely and desire
affection from the other.
5.) Each experiences sickness in the other as an inconvenience,
but both want to be taken care of when they are sick.
6.) They are still tied to their parents and
rarely separated from them.
7.) They remain very active with friends,
but spend little time together.
8.) When they disagree, they fight
destructively.
J. The " Neurotic Marriage ."
1.) One mate is the caretaker; the other
is the patient.
2.) Through the years, both mates become
angry over the pain and disappointment
of their relationship.
3.) The pattern is chronic.
K. The " Therapeutic Marriage."
1.) Both mates behave as though they were
the doctor and their mate the patient.
2.) When they were going together, each of them
was usually experiencing some difficulty in life.
3.) At that time, each became the other's doctor,
and they have continued.
L. The " Pseudomarriage."
1.) This couple is in a relationship which
is really not a marriage.
2.) There is no bonding, and a total lack
of intimacy.
3.) Often the marriage resulted from a pregnancy;
or, both partners are heavily invested in careers.
The above 12 descriptions of dysfunctional marriages was
written by Dr. Richard D. Dobbins, Ph.D.
