Instead of working on solving problems in your relationship, minister/relationship coach Susan Page teaches “Spiritual Partnership,” allowing you to outgrow these problems. Focus on behaving in a spiritual way yourself, rather than fixing your relationship or your partner, and you and your partner will be happier and your relationship will be stronger.
Communication and negotiation don't solve conflicts in love relationships, Page asserts. Rather, make an inner shift yourself--independent of your partner--and learn to "love openly and freely." Her process involves "the Five Sacred Acts of Love":
Practice Restraint: refrain from negative, critical, and demanding comments.
Act As If: act loving, even if you don't feel like it.
Act on Your Own: take care of your own needs.
Practice Acceptance: stop trying to change your partner.
Cultivate Compassion: understand that your partner's attitudes and behavior are the way they are for good reasons.
The book offers compelling arguments for abandoning the "marketplace" communication style in favor of goodwill, self-care, and a spiritual, harmonious, loving response to your partner. Page takes you step by step through the Spiritual Partnership process, interspersing it with anecdotes and exercises.
"Marriage and loving partnerships are ... for learning how to give and receive love. That's all," writes Page. If We're So in Love, Why Aren't We Happy is highly recommended for anyone who wants to improve a love relationship--from the inside out. --Joan Price
Reviewer: A reader
Excellent, excellent book. I have read many books on relationships, and most stress the importance of communication, but in my experience there is such a thing as communicating too much. Sometimes the mind itself creates problems, and talking about those problems only strengthen them and make them more real when often times the "problem" is based on a faulty way of perceiving situations. This book approaches relationships in a way that is unlike that of most therapists, counselors and authors, but I feel it is the most spiritual approach. The author does not at all devalue communicating and talking, but rather than focusing exclusively on what you should say to your partner and how, she urges you to focus on YOURSELF and suggests non-mainstream ways of handling situations that have everything to do with you and not so much to do with your partner. She stresses actions over words, and points out that if just you and you alone change your actions, reactions, behavior and thougths about your relationship, your partner will respond even if they aren't aware that they are responding-it's the nature of energy, of relationships. In other words you can create very positive change even if you're partner doesn't agree to change beforehand. She also doesn't deny that sometimes it is best to move on, yet points out that often we want to leave a relationship because we don't want to face ourselves. Furthermore, you can use her ideas and suggestions and apply them not only to your love relationship but to all aspects of your life: your relationship with work, money, etc. I would like to think that soon her philosophy will catch on and become mainstream, but I wonder if too many people aren't ready for it yet, as it goes against the grain of much of traditional counseling. I really think she's onto something, as when I was reading the book, what she said felt right in a deep place-a place I can't always access, but a place that is what I strive for, that is already there. At the beginning I was so anxious to skip ahead, since she kept talking about the principles of spiritual partnership without explaining them in depth first, but for anyone who does skip ahead, I would suggest going back to the beginning and not missing any of the book, as every part of it will help you on your way if you decide to follow her advice.
Book Description
Using the same structure as Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott address the unique issues of "pre-remarital" families. This book prepares couples for what lies ahead and enables them to tackle the challenges with faith, perseverance, and hope.
From the Back Cover
Sixty percent of second marriages fail. Yours can be among the ones that succeed. Relationship experts Les and Leslie Parrott show how you can beat the odds with flying colors and make remarriage the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Do you have the skills you need? Now is the time to acquire them--and build a future together that is everything marriage can and ought to be.
By "iwrite4pc" (Texas, USA)
As a divorced person, I have often felt like there are many books written about marriage, but few that deal with the specific issues that I can only imagine affect second marriages. Not content with reading just another book about the general subject of marriage, and not really wanting to read another book about divorce, I was very pleased to be given this book on remarriage. After reading through it, I feel so much more confident now about my ability to enter a second marriage and not be trapped by fears and insecurities that resulted from my first. I feel much more able now to look objectively at the areas I still need to heal and grow in. Praise God for the careful work of Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott in addressing this seldom-addressed issue. I HIGHLY recommend this for anyone who is divorced, even if they haven't yet addressed the possibility of remarriage in their life.
By Midwest Book Review (Oregon, WI USA) -
Second Wives: The Pitfalls And Reward Of Marrying Widowers And Divorced Men guides women through the problematic issues of a second marriage. A second wife herself, author Susan Barash shares her own experiences, as well as that of over a hundred other second wives, and the expertise of psychologists and counselors in exploring the emotional and practical problems that second marriages can face. Like first wives, second wives will inevitably encounter relationship problems, financial realities, and child-rearing frustrations. But unlike first wives, second wives must deal with the baggage of the earlier marriage and often must compete with the demands of wife number one with respect to finances, children, and relatives. Second Wives is informative and valued reading for anyone woman anticipating marriage to a widower or divorcee, as well as second wives who have already taken the plunge and seeking ways to cope with their own particular circumstances and frustrations.
Twice a second wife, Susan Shapiro Barash writes with wisdom and grace about the blessings and burdens of marrying divorced and widowed men.
Women marrying divorcees suffer from what Barash, drawing on the Daphne Du Maurier novel, calls the Rebecca syndrome--the new wife believes she is "competing with an invisible enemy." And Wife Number Two's fears are not always irrational. Occasionally, a first wife cannot let go of her husband, and tries to insinuate her way into the second marriage. The problems go beyond the triangle of hubby and his two wives. Adjusting to a new step-parent can be tough for kids, who may fear that Dad will devote all of his attention to his new wife. In-laws may remain loyal to the first wife, and ex-in-laws may meddle in the new marriage. Despite all the hurdles second wives face, second marriages can prevail. If the husband and second wife are "soulmate[s]...the second marriage exists as the only marriage." Still, even soulmates can use some practical guidance--the most blissful couples will find "Second Wives" a useful guide to second marriages. (Beliefnet, June 2000)
By "shellyone" (Denver, CO USA)
I received this book at 9:30a and had it completely read within 2 hours while doing my job :-). I first wanted to get an impression so I started with the introduction and the first chapter. I was shaking as I read this book. I've never had one thing hit home so much as this book did. I couldn't put it down. My boyfriend and I (commom law married) have been together for 3.5 yrs. He moved his ex and 2 kids here a month ago and I have done nothing but struggle. I had been expected to just 'give him a break' and sit back while he deals with his past and I WAS NOT HAPPY PLAYING 4TH FIDDLE IN HIS LIFE! He hasn't been able to see how he's been treating me or the 'lack of' treating me. I am very committed to our relationship and will be approaching him with this book tonight! I hate to say it, but I've already gotten so much out of this book that if he does not open his eye's towards how he has been treating me, after hearing just parts of this book, then he's never going to and I'll have to accept that, finally. After reading it I realized that his ex IS NOT MY PROBLEM and he has no right making her my problem. And I can not think of a better way to get him to see that, than by asking that he read it too. I also realized I'm not the only one that's been treated this way and THERE IS HOPE! The first paragraph: "You might have a problem if...." I couldn't believe how many items I highlighted as being 'my case', for him, her, and myself. I recommend this book, highly, to anyone feeling left out in these 'mixed family' relationships. It WILL be my bible, and it WILL get read several times, I'm sure. Good reading and good luck with your situation!
By Susan Wilkins-Hubley (Nova Scotia Canada) -
Oddly, upon my first reading of this book, I found myself disagreeing with the author in regards to much of the content.
Then I realized why I was disagreeing - there is so much truth in the examples set forth, that I was uncomfortable reading something that `hit' so close to home.
The truth is, rejection is difficult. And, a divorce is certainly rejection. When there are problems blending a family together, more rejection is involved. The idea that rejection continues to be present throughout the post-divorce environment was a new idea for me, and one that made me uncomfortable initially (especially the section that spoke about the rejection stepmothers experience). However, after much thought and two readings of this book, I must agree.
Our current legal system is designed to pit parents against each other - always declaring a `winner' and a `loser'. This continues to perpetuate rejection. When a child (or children) involved feel they must choose one parent over the other to ensure their emotional survival, more rejection is involved. When one parent launches a campaign to persuade the child (or children) that the other parent and the new same gender stepparent are `bad', there is still more rejection involved.
Another important concept of this book is that how we respond to that rejection is completely within our control. In other words, I do not have to feel jealous, hurt, or shut out if my stepchildren and their same gender parent treat me with hostility and suspicion. I can't prevent them from rejecting me, but I can control how I respond to that rejection.
I never thought about this until I read this book (re-read), but I now recognize that any interaction between divorced spouses that isn't of a business associate level is still an intimate exchange! All the fighting that goes on between former spouses is still a dance of intimacy.
The book also deals with the concepts of false guilt and genuine guilt. It's amazing, how much false guilt we are all capable of carrying around with us. The author provided good insight and strong suggestions for deflecting false guilt (which is often given to us by others).
And, there are lots of great examples/ideas for putting together a visitation schedule, and some very common sense (yet often overlooked) methods for dealing with an angry ex-wife/spouse who will NOT give up her hurt and anger.
Most importantly, this book addresses how important it is to build a strong relationship within a second marriage - how important it is that the needs of the current marriage are met first, followed by the needs of the children.
This book IS worth several reads - I know I find it more valuable every time I pick it up.
